The upsides of friendships are considerable and start early. Humans are bornsocial, and even babies reach out for contact. During the toddler years, socialinteraction flourishes in the playground, child care settings, and preschoolprograms. As their world expands children are constantly interacting with peersin school, teams, clubs, and other groups. Although friendships do not supplantthe warmth and intimacy of family, they provide opportunities to learn howto get along with others, to make decisions in different situations, and toenjoy the companionship of others. Friendships provide deep and satisfyinglife experiences which build self-esteem and self-confidence.

Friendships change over time

In the early and middle years, activities are often planned and supervised,so parents can easily decide who their children see and don't see. Inmiddle school demands change—children have to manage themselves, social relationshipsare more complex, and the pressure to be like everyone else escalates. By theteen years parents are not their children's only influence and they haveless control over their children's friendships. As teenagers struggleto become more independent, it's natural for them to bond with peers,and many teenagers are closer to their friends at times than to their families.

Although peer pressure starts early, it intensifies in middle and high schoolwhen peers influence the music teens listen to, the clothing they wear,and the activities they take part in—studying for a test, practicinga sport, volunteering for a community service project, the list is long. Butsome teenagers, while exploring and learning about themselves, may be attractedto peers that parents may be concerned about.

When friendship has a downside

Peer pressure, although positive for many teens, can also have a negativeimpact. If a teen admires another teen or group whose behavior hethinks is "cool," he may be distracted from constructive activitiessuch as completing homework, trying out for a team, respecting speed limitsand drinking laws, and be swayed to break rules or try risky behaviors. Teenswho have a history of difficult behavior and poor relationships with theirpeers can be attracted to other teens with antisocial or delinquent behavior.

What parents can do

Helping children learn to deal with peer pressure and competition is moreimportant than protecting them from it. There are many ways in whichparents can indirectly influence their children's choice of friends.

• Continue or establish the custom of family meetings. Always let your childrenknow you support them and are proud of their accomplishments. From time totime repeat what you mean by "acceptable behavior". Talk about many topics—tobacco,drinking, illegal drugs, driving, sex, respect for property, cheating, andother choices teens have to make. Plan regular and frequent whole family activities—picnics,hikes, sports. If a close and trusting family relationship has been established,teens are more likely to come to their parents when they're in trouble or haveproblems.
• Pick your battles—don't make an issue about a temporary and harmless issue like clothes and music; leave the objections to things that really matter like the use of tobacco, drugs, and alcohol. Respect your child's privacy, unless you see signs of serious trouble.
• Encourage friends to spend time at your house where you can be aware of theiractivities and interests. Get to know your child's friends and theirparents. Point out what you like about them. Encourage diverse friendshipsthat expose your child to new interests and ideas. Encourage children to getinvolved in activities that will attract others with similar interests—sports,theater groups, music, art, chess clubs, volunteer activities.
• Establish appropriate house rules:
  • Know where your teens are going, who they'regoing with, and when they'll be home
  • Specify the consequences of breaking rules
  • Set time limits for television and computer time
  • Be aware of who your child is contacting on the internet

When you're concerned about your child's friendships

Allowing an objectionable friendship to run its course will often work betterthan trying to stop it. Many of the friendships parents worry about turn outto be short-lived. Often a teen will discover that a friend he admired at firstwasn't so terrific after they got to know each other better.

If you have concerns about a friend, express them openly and listen toyour child's point of view. Don't criticize friends directly;but discuss specific behaviors. For example, "It seems that everytime XX is over, the rules about using the computer are broken." Forbiddingcontact seldom works and can reinforce the friendship; however, limiting theopportunities for contacts can be effective. If you are concerned about a particularfriend, think about the need that the friendship seems to fill. Ask your childwhat he likes about the friend, and talk about the qualities that make a goodfriend.

If you dislike your child's friend, ask yourself some questions as tothe possible reason: Do I dislike the child or his appearance? Is thechild from another social, ethnic or religious background? Do I allowmy child's opinions to differ from my own?

Teach assertiveness and role-play different ways of saying no

Because it's easier for a teen to go along with the group if she feelsunsure of herself, bolster her self-confidence by teaching her to make herown decisions. For example, discuss some hypothetical choices aboutfitting in with the crowd and a) breaking the rules about driving or b) sayingno or finding another way to have fun with friends. The following steps canbe helpful in practicing decision making skills:

• Identify what needs to be decided
• Gather the information necessary includingpossible solutions or alternatives
• List the possible courses of action
• Think aloud about the consequences ofpoor choices: disappointing parents, getting grounded, being in a carcrash, unwanted sex, getting involved with the law. Each individual must realizethat the choice is theirs—not their peers.
• Reviewand reinforce the concept that she can make her own choices, that she has thecourage to refuse to go along with the crowd when their behavior conflictswith her values.

Be aware of warning signs of trouble

Parents have to distinguish between experimentation and danger. When potentially dangerous situations are involved, such as when the child aligns himselfonly with others who are belligerent or who engage in antisocial or delinquentacts, parents have a responsibility to discourage the association. When behavioris dangerous it must be stopped.

Be aware of the warning signs that indicate that consultation with a mentalhealth professional may be helpful, such as: extreme weight change; sleep problems,drastic personality change, skipping school, poor academics, talk of suicide,signs of substance use, run-ins with the law.